So, you've gone from chatting to dating and now you're ready to take your date into the bedroom. Read up, guys! This last bit of wisdom I have for you could determine the rest of your life….
As mentioned in my previous Don't Be an Art post, the most important thing you can do before having sex with a woman is shower. You'd think this would be common sense, but as a cab driver in Chicago once told me, "Common sense ain't so common anymore." Use soap, water, shampoo, and rinse well! Wash behind your ears (women like nibbling on ears… or at least I do), and get in all those cracks and crevices, but rinse well. I can't overstate "rinse well" enough. Nothing ruins a romantic moment like a mouthful of soap.
Use some cologne. Women love cologne. I can't tell you the number of times my college girlfriends and I would raid the medicine cabinets at a party searching out the guy's cologne. That being said, however, too much cologne is definitely a bad thing. Don't be the guy who smells so good he smells bad.
Here's where my wisdom is going to get a bit graphic…. That's my only warning.
You want a woman who showers, shaves her legs and keeps herself trimmed, right? Remember that Golden Rule thing? "Do unto others as you'd have done to you?" MANSCAPING IS YOUR FRIEND! Trust me, women already have dental floss in the medicine cabinet. Don't force us to use something that isn't dental floss between our teeth, got it? Plus, as an added bonus for you, it looks bigger when you can see the tree without being surrounded by a jungle.
Kissing. It's a good thing. If you're bad at it, take her gentle hints to heart and mimic what she does. Don't let yourself be the guy she refers to as "The Labrador" over brunch with the girlfriends (and yes, we really do that. Or at least I do. I can't even remember the guy's name because I just always called him "The Labrador" to my friends). While we're talking about taking hints…. If she point blank tells you that what you're doing isn't working for her, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, say, "Well it's working for me!" and keep going. Trust me. She will kick you out of bed so damn fast your head will spin. Just ask The Labrador.
Random thought… Don't start with the dirty talk right away. Telling her something feels good or moaning is good. Calling her your cum dumpster is BAD. Even further along in your relationship, comparing a woman to a trash receptacle is always going to end badly no matter what the connotation. I'm just sayin'.
Are you having a problem putting the spark in Sparky? Don't dwell on it. I know it's an awkward situation; believe me, it's just as awkward for us as it is for you. But don't spend the next 20 minutes ignoring her while you're trying to light Sparky's fire. We're already internally freaking out that we're not doing it for you. Ignoring us while you try and put the pep back in Pepe is just going to make us freak out more. If you have one on hand, by all means, pop that blue pill. If not, I can guarantee you the situation will go from awkward to okay if you just relax. Take a deep breath… and now focus your concentration on her.
Are you double clicking her mouse? Remember… to get her to cum, do the "come hither" motion. I told my friend Jordan that tip, and now he's married to the first (and last as it turns out) girl he tried it with. See? My tips really do have the potential to change your life!
Kiss her, stroke her, lick her, whatever. Just aim to get her off. This solution works to your advantage in a multitude of ways. First of all, it shows that you're unselfish and willing to put her needs before your own. It also shows grace under pressure. And finally, watching her "enjoy" herself under your careful ministrations may just be what Pepe needs to get his pep back. See? Works for everyone.
Random thought number two. Despite Philip Hoffman Seymour's advice to Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, don't start off with ass slapping. Just don't.
Don't concentrate on just one area. Multi-task. That's all I'm going to say.
You've both reached your finale. Nice job. Here's the last of my advice. If you're a guy who has a tendency to sweat a lot, don't collapse on top of her. Sex obviously will overheat the both of you. Don't cause her any more discomfort by draping yourself all over her. Roll over, stroke her arm or something, but don't lie on top of her. Don't ignore her either, unless of course you want to freak her out.
Other don'ts that will freak her out and cause a woman to go "psycho" on you.
- Slithering out of bed and leaving in the middle of the night without leaving a note of explanation behind.
- Slithering out of bed to retrieve your five piece Samsonite luggage set chock full of your stuff and hanging it in her closet, putting it in her drawers, etc.
- Waking up in the middle of the night and attempting to have sex with her while she's still asleep. Can we say rape?
- Being cold (aloof) and distant.
- Never. Calling. Again.
Thus concludes our final lesson.
And The Labrador's name was Andy.