Last Thursday I posted a question on my FB page regarding the worst pick up line the people who actually like me have heard. My girlfriend Kony posted something that made me laugh and laugh because I was there that night. And believe me, it was quite the entertaining evening.
Kony's cousin was getting married and because I'd dragged her to one of the bachelorette parties I had to go to (ooooo…. another idea for a blog post), she decided to drag me to her cousin's. At the pre-gaming session, we were given nametags. Mine read "Ivanna L. Ayya" (creative, no?). The pre-gaming session also involved a stripper (believe it or not, strippers completely freak me out) and a pinata. The pinata, as is only appropriate for a bachelorette party pinata, held condoms, different lubricants, some handcuffs maybe, and most definitely a few whips. I remember the whip because…
… I took it the bar with me. Kony, myself, and a third woman who was very nice but whose name escapes six years later, were seated at a huge butcher block table and I had it on the table next to me. A bit of time after our arrival, a very cute but definitely very young man approached me and asked what it was.
Me: "A whip."
Teddy (a very appropriate babe-in-the-woods name don't you think?): "A whip? Really?"
Teddy went back to his friends and whispering ensued. I couldn't bring myself to look over at them because I knew I'd break out into laughter. Kony, who like me has a perpetual smile on her face, kept smiling and watching and said out of the corner of her mouth, "He's back."
Sure enough, Teddy was now occupying the bar stool on my right.
Teddy: "Why do you have a whip?"
Me: "For my job."
Teddy: "What kind of job do you have that requires a whip?"
Me: "I'm a dominatrix."
Lord help me, I think Teddy FLEW back to his friends. More whispering ensued and the trio decided after a few moments that we were interesting enough to join at the table. So while Teddy sat on my immediate right, his friends sat to his immediate right and were directly across the table from Kony and the girl whom I've decided to call Jane.
Throughout our conversation, we learned the boys were home from the University of Illinois for the summer, lived nearby, and Teddy bought his boxers at JCPenney's. I knew this because they were St. John's Bay, a brand specific to JCPenney's. I knew they were St. John's Bay because yep, I checked. What can I say? I have an affinity for guys underwear and not in a for myself kind of way.
As the evening progressed, Teddy became very vocal about the fact he wanted to come home with me. As I'd said to Kony earlier, "I know I'll meet someone tonight. My entire apartment is a disaster and looks like it should be condemned." Hey, I was in in a depressed state. I was not only going through a divorce but I had also just found out I was losing my job. Cleaning was the last thing on my mind. But the reality was, I really didn't want to go home with Teddy. I already knew from some under the table activity that Teddy was definitely enthusiastic, but I also had a feeling he was going to be one of those quick on the draw types. In the meantime, Teddy's friend, I'll call him Stu, had been very vocal about wanting to go home with Kony. Kony in return was quite vocal about the fact that she was married but Stu kept missing the point.
Shortly thereafter, Kony and I made some noise about moving on to a different bar. By this time, Jane had already left and so it was just Kony and I left with the boys. We asked, to be polite, if they wanted to come with us to the other bar. And that's when we found out.
Teddy tried to be sly at first. "So, Mo…. Um, where's your car?"
I thought he was suggesting we go outside to get better acquainted so I totally lied. "It's back at my apartment."
Teddy looked confused. "Well then how did you get to Kony's?"
"I took the Red Line to the Blue Line."
"Oh. So um, could Kony give us a ride to the bar?"
"Wait, where's your car?"
"Um…. My mom dropped us off."
Is it any wonder Kony and I started laughing?
By the time our laughter subsided, Teddy and his friends were long gone. So we moved on to the next bar.
Where I met Buzz. I was still wearing my Ivanna L. Ayya nametag and so while Kony went to the bar to get another drink, I was left to my own devices. Apparently, because I was alone, Buzz felt comfortable enough to approach.
Buzz: "Ivanna Lay Ya. That's good. But what's your real name?"
Buzz. "Bullshit! That's a bigger load of shit than your nametag!"
Me: "It's right here." I handed him my driver's license.
Buzz (after a few moments of studying my license): "Huh."
Silence while I prayed for Kony's return.
Buzz: "So I'm a Marine."
Me: "Oh? So's my brother. And my husband."
Buzz: "You're not wearing a ring."
Me: "Observant. That's new. Um, yeah. No ring. I'm going through a divorce."
Buzz: "So do you support our troops?"
Me: "No." Total bullshit but I could already see the detour sign of the road he was going to attempt to go down.
Buzz: "Really? That's unpatriotic of you."
Me: "No, I'm not going to support our troops by having sex with you."
Buzz (with definite oh-shit-she-figured-me-out surprise evident in his voice and a slight note of desperation): "Why not? I'm a Marine home on leave. I'll only be here for three more weeks before I have to go back to the hot desert!"
Me: "How long have you been home?"
Me: "How long have you been home?"
Buzz: "Oh, three weeks."
Me: "So you're telling me that Marines get six weeks of R&R while they're overseas while the National Guard only gets two for a year long deployment?"
Buzz (with an oh-shit-this-girl-isn't-nearly-as-dumb-or-drunk-as-she-looks look): "Um, it was nice meeting you."
Is it any wonder, really, why guys don't always like me?